addddeeerrraaaallll.
ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
