Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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