The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
Randomize
