By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
We woke up at 7:30am. We got a 30 rack, yelled at all the freshman shackers walkin back to their dorms, played a game of beer die, and boned all before 11:00am. I found my soulmate
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
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