i nerd-gasmd. plain and simple.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
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