Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Randomize
