The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
Randomize
