I cannot find my penis.
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
By the way anyone who is willing to be in the film while tripping gets free shrooms.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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