Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
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