I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
