She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
