You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
