you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
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