dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Randomize
