he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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