I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
Randomize
