i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
