Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
her facebook's as public as her vagina
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
Randomize
