Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
Randomize
