he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
Randomize
