My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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