I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
It's a law of Nature, girls naturally hate eachother. It's only when there's no competition for a mate that they can hate each other a little less and then are appropriated into the "BFF" slot.
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
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