I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
I'm getting married
To pizza
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
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