i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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