don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
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