I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
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