I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
Randomize
