everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
