omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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