Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
Ok ladies its the usual spring break system. 5 for a guy, 10 for a non-lesbian girl and double points is its a group thing. Hottest guy of the day is an additional 15. GAME ON
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
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