so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
just found out that she named her cat after me.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Randomize
