matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
