I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
