shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
Randomize
