someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I like to think it a success when the cops are called
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
Think I can pull off edward 40 hands before class?
You might end up in the wrong class.
I'm a COM major, they're all the wrong class.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
Randomize
