I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
Come see our sink grown plant.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
