Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
don't worry about it. We passed around the "get jeff bail" can 10 min. After you left. We currently have around $400. May I say that people here at the dorms really love you.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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