So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
Randomize