i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
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