My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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