My boss' voice literally gives me gas
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
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