My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
