Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
Randomize
