God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
this hospital has no fireball
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize