I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
am i the only one who finds it a little awkward seeing as we all made out last night?
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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