My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
operation harelip BJ is a go
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
pray to the hookup gods
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
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