Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
I think I'm cybering, it's been a while and its more in depth than it was in 8Th grade.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
Randomize
