The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Randomize
