i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
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