My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Randomize
