Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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