I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
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