remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
If no ones going to say it, then I will. Vanessa Hudgens boobs are weird looking
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
