I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
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