just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
Myspace is for pedophiles and tweakers in the 818 trying to hook up. I always forget theres music there too
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
