fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Randomize
