he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Randomize
