at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
Randomize
