he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
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