Swine flu. Run for my life!
my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
He was actually able to throw up in the bucket from the top bunk. im impressed.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
Randomize
