I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Randomize
