why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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