So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
I have aggressive nipples.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
