apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
Randomize
