i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
